What will the Los Angeles NFL team be?

Right now there are two groups trying to bring Los Angeles an NFL team. I can’t wait. Like many, I’m a transplant here. And also, like many, my love for my hometown team runs deep. For me it’s Philadelphia Eagles. Seriously, my house has Eagles shirts, jackets, jerseys, signs, trash cans, beer cozies, and inflatable furniture. But I live in Los Angeles now and I need a Los Angeles team to cheer for. The Chargers left us when they were still in pampers; we dated the Raiders in high school but they just wouldn’t put out; we married the Rams and had a couple of kids, but one night we came home and caught the bitch in bed with St. Louis. So we moved to a studio apartment in Silverlake and took up pottery.

Nearly two decades later we could have a new Los Angeles NFL football team! Chances are good we’ll inherit an existing team name. While the Los Angeles Chargers doesn’t sound bad the Los Angeles Bills makes no sense. And just in case they do decide to rename the team I feel compelled to offer my suggestions. Before we end up with the Los Angeles Mucky-Fucks of Anaheim, presented by Verizon.

I present my suggestions for an NFL Los Angeles franchise.

Turkey Hill Iced Tea in L.A.

Those closest to me know that I have an addiction to Turkey Hill Iced Tea. It’s an iced tea made by the Turkey Hill company. Which was born in Lancaster Pennsylvania; just like me. I grew up drinking gallons of the stuff. It’s the best. All other teas are #2 or lower. When it came time to make the move to Los Angeles I knew I couldn’t take the tea with me. It was a local brand. My addiction was coming to an end.

My first week in Los Angeles I walked into the local Ralphs supermarket in search of a THIT substitute. To my chagrin I could not find a gallon of tea of any kind. None. I asked the box boy where they kept them and he laughed, “Why would anyone want a gallon of iced tea?” I murdered him quickly and got the hell out of there. Ralphs be damned. I will have my tea. In this life or the next.

CUT TO:

Years laters. After going through countless subpar substitutes I had abandoned hope. My salad was officially tossed.

And then…

TURKEY HILL ICED TEA in Los Angeles!!!

One day I walked into Ralphs and there it was. Staring back at me like an old lover. It had been so long. Would our love still burn bright or had it been extinguished forever? After a bit of awkward conversation I just went for it. It felt so right when it hit my lips. Yes, this is what nature had intended.

They didn’t have gallons. They had half gallons. It would have to do. Soon my refrigerator was choking on it.

Everything was beautiful. Everything was right. (minus global warming, terrorism, disease, war related deaths, and the collapse of the US economy)

And then one day I walked into Ralphs and she was gone. No Turkey Hill Iced Tea. I went to another Ralphs. None. Then another. None. And other. The same. My lover had abandoned me. Weeks had gone by. I talked to the store clerk. When are you going to get more THIT? He said they weren’t selling well enough. Ralphs wasn’t going to carry it anymore.

After some digging I discovered that Turkey Hill is owned by Kroger, which is owned by Ralphs. I promptly wrote all three begging for the return of my tea. Ralphs took a week to respond and their email was the equivalent of spam. Kroger has never written me back. Turkey Hill finally wrote me back after about 10 days. Below you will find our email exchange.

Victim’s Song, out in the world

Victim’s Song on Gigaplex HD!